all i could think to do was keep painting the spots on it
          my tears and bloody spit dripping on the slutty cow costume
          if i was my dad I’d take me fishing
          so we could sit back to back while i tell him
          this was my holiday
          carpet was digging yarn loop perforations into my knees
          local philadelphia vomit puddle cannot retract newly discovered talons from own palm flesh!
          my mugshot will be hot and so sad
          the change was much more than the gagging i was used to in indoor basketball courts and police
          it was like calvino’s eternal flash
          where someone put a marble on my inner ear
          and gave me a delicious looking newborn with no where to hide it goal side
          it was spacial
          phantom denim covered erections ramming me
          and im guarding the door because every side is my soft underbelly
          i am marking you with my redneck paintball gun
          i am delivering vomit justice
          i dart like a squirel whenever i move
          i am exhausted of surviving this
          i watch myself biting your arm off and punching it down your throat
          but the fingers come out your nose and eyes because i watched too much hentai


the only thing fugue about this state is your parted hair and ability to drive

          only because you find the corpse in the passenger seat
          and need these two new skills to show them the night on the town they deserve
          the corpses face is blurred to you but that feels welcoming
          you drive down allegany and westmoreland and oxford
          to show him where teal and red paint over the bricks
          and weeds weigh down the shuttered awnings
          you tell him you want to compare it to the caribbean and cornrowed night life
          but something should also just look like itself
          you drive him to both the new age church and the church with the red doorbr
          and you both understand how people actually attend church
          and it is not just a building that teenagers look in from the outside
          you take him to the most important intersections in philly
          the one with the glowing white town hall
          where it looks like either witches were hung
          and the one where you can see into every window of a gutted building
          and it could be your doll house
          it is getting late in the night
          so you take him to your favorite billboard
          one with hellfire
          and stop off at the amera next to the batting cages
          the parking lot is empty so you get out and run to the other side of your camry
          open the door and pull his limp thick arms un top of your hunched shoulders
          you brought him here to play the wolf slot machine game
          but it is a special night so you shoplift a tasty cake as well
          maybe youll split it somewhere where cars sound nice
          that makes your stomach drop
          at the end of it all you snip off his fingers
          so you have something to hold
          when you reach your hand hungrily into the pocket of those basketball shorts


drive through wedding chapel

          i only cried when you ruptured my
          eardrum because i want so much of you and imagine consuming all of you and when you screamed it was an
          expensive gift for me that i had never even pictured.

          I am a cat that brings you dead birds in the hopes that you keep feeding me

i wish i didn’t know how to speak when i’m around you then i could just show you pictures i painted of you once a month one will be you with horns another will be you sinking into a red buick interior looking at me how you used to. when we go out to meet your friends they’ll ask me how i am and ill just stare up at you with my eyebrows asking and put your cigarette out on my inner wrist then look back at to see if they understood what i meant. i would be sadder but this way everyone would think of me as more of a pet and machine of devotion.

          on my birthday you’re going to get me a vhs-magenta pick-up truck
          and a dickies suit
          and on your birthday ill give birth to a baby gator for you
          and make the most genuine sound i know


Béla Ghosh is currently living in Kawasaki studying religion, visual culture, and policy. She has previously been published in Bedfellows and a velvet giant, and has received acclaim for her academic writing on the topics of transfeminism and paraphilia through the lens of eastern religion. Her forthcoming chapbook through Community Service Press will be available in 2020, you can find it wherever fine anti-body manifestos are sold.   WEB