I retrace my steps when shortness of breath catches up to me—
Gasping for air and something to feel
Wanting to understand that everyone wants somebody, even if all I want is straight A’s, a blunt and to find myself
Away from the red ink, falling in love with the Ocean, the Carribean, Costa Rica, not Costa Mesa or anywhere close.
I want to run far away from what’s familiar and taste something new,
Learn how to love in a different way and translate what it means to make it.
A romantic journey,
Loving the landscape,
Gazing at the magic an unfamiliar place can bring.
No autonomy for my actions, I cannot eat tonight. Tossing
and turning on an empty stomach– the growls of my stomach start up
like an engine as my mind races, trying to find something to eat. I
loathe this need until it vanishes. I sip coffee and smoke cigarettes.
I’ve been eating the same loaf of bread for a month now (I hope
don’t die from mold). My ebt card isn’t rationed proportionately,
they gave me extra money and now I have to pay. What am I
paying for? I haven’t eaten. My mind is going blank. I need
a smoke. I need a cup of coffee. Suppression. Suppression alongside
its cousin depression in the form of a lack of funds. My home is a
food desert, I don’t even have crumbs.
Hues of pink and orange and a pretty girl basking in the sunlight. I
listen to the water splash onto the horizon and send echoes that
whisper into my ears. I smoke a green goblin and I catch
a Scooby-snack in the back of my throat. Shit really feels good. I
pass my smile onto my friends who laugh like hyenas, cackling in
the moonlight. Life feels right in the moment. A smile in my
direction, a butterfly floats my way, the sky kisses my cheek and a
light shines through my heart. Rolling around under the skies and
listening to heartbeats follow rhythms of tandem bikes. Everything
just feels alright. I’m lighting up a joint in the hammock, the
flowers next me start to call my name. Heaven falls to the ground.
Glitter falls all over my face and rainbows touch my feet. I’ve got
roller skating friends, people that dress like Dutchmen and a laugh
that could brighten anyone’s day.
—Randomizing Pretty Thoughts
A black & queer woman who lives for love and understands that the route to happiness lies between the spirit and the soul. Here lies the words of a woman, unfiltered and extraordinary. Ashanté resides in San Francisco CA, and is currently pursing her BA in International Relations. Her work can be found on Sad Girl Review and on her personal blog.