official navy-blue uniform top
made of 65% polyester and 35% cotton
that hangs loose around the waist
neckerchief of green and blood red plaid
held together by a two-clasp slide
yoked tight against my throat
big and baggy boys’ cargo pants
with oversized pockets and legs so long
the cuffs drag along on the floor
used blue canvas belt with faux-gold buckle
embossed with a cub scout logo that postures
toward the figure of a young man
multicolored diamond patches
labeled bobcat, wolf, bear, all emblazoned
with matching cartoon creature faces
tiny gold and silver triangles
arranged beneath the beasts, tallies
of all the boyhood i’ve completed
candy apple acrylic vest
spotted with 24 iron-on patches, coxcombs
of regattas and wild wild cub days
blue den patch on the right shoulder
and the numbers 1 and 6 and 2 on the left
as if my body belongs to the pack
an empty space on the left breast pocket
kept open as if waiting
to be pierced by the man to come
in the mirror i see a boyish face
fixed atop my own with bobby pins
and tape already fraying at the edges
this uniform feels strange upon my skin
i thought it would fit, but it just feels odd
as if tailored for a person unlike me
i don’t know why the clothing dangles
so far off my frame, as if something in
the cotton knows it must reject me
i don’t know why i fight back tears
every time den mother says
alright boys, time to enter scout mode
i don’t know why i hear a soft
voice on the lips of the wind
sweetly whispering:
every girl knows her body’s truth
even if it’s still in hiding
even here
where the stone face straps itself
against your body
with carabiner
and dull blue
kernmantle
where the granite creaks underfoot
carving away
the polyurethane
of your Bass Pro
faux leather boots
even here
where the mountain pushes needles
through the soft
of your palm
hatching another
god’s gospel
into the small
of your grip
where the rocky holds pull you upward
to the upward
your handprints
charting a path
for fellow boys
to follow
even here
the pink haze
of the alpenglow
oh the alpenglow
Dr. Jennessa Hester is a transgender writer and scholar based in Texas. She is a Lambda Literary Fellow and winner of the Monarch Queer Literary Award. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Ninth Letter, Strange Horizons, DIAGRAM, Bellingham Review, Cream City Review, HAD, and elsewhere. She can also be found in petrichor twenty-seven. WEB
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